Satire… we hope
US Constitution – Sharia: A comprehensive system of laws that dictate how you live, where you can move, what you can say, appropriate clothing, what jokes are funny, and when you can laugh at them. Sharia can be amended at will by the issuance of fatwas (see fatwa, (n)).
Declaration of Independence – Holy Qu’ran: Like the original declaration, it is also a universal declaration of human rights. It is intended for everybody, everywhere, and by following and living by its word you will achieve real freedom. Just ask the Saudis. Note: No Sam Adams permitted.
Federalist Papers – Hadith: The ponderings of the Prophet and other influential early Muslims are some of the most insightful comments every offered on Sharia law. From practical advice, like which hand to wipe with, to transcendental warning (e.g., keep the devil out of your nostrils), few commentaries through the ages rival their profound nitpickiness.
George Washington – the Prophet Mohammed – The founder of the state of Obama.
United States of America – People’s Democratic Islamic Republic of Am’erhi-kah.
Executive order – Fatwa: An order from on high that must be obeyed. Fatwas are ignored at the peril of your eternal soul.
Dodd-Frank – Sharia-compliant finance: A convoluted system of handling finances that forbids interest. (Bribery is encouraged as a substitute.) Originally worked out in the 1950s by a convict on a scrap of toilet paper, it is now taught in universities around the world. Includes a 30% rake-off administrative fee for regulators. See also: tax code (n).
Regulator – Mullah: A learned scholar of the Federal Registry. Mullahs have dedicated their life to the art of arcane, complex logic, which forms the core philosophy of the Federal Registry. Mullahs are known to contradict each other, resulting in their victim client having to pay twice.
Czar – Sheikh – A high official of the government, with the power to issue one fatwa one day, and an opposite fatwa the next, usually without repealing the first one. Sheikhs are not subject to the normal laws applied to the rest of the Ummah.
Obamacare – Reichsversicherungsverordnung: A modern, universal system of overloading the masses with tons of paperwork. Fees generated from this program are recycled into Sharia-compliant banks, while participants in the program are subject to the ruling of the Mullahs.
Immigration reform – Amnesty: A comprehensive set of fatwas aimed at extending sacred space (pg. 59). The chief aim of Amnesty to initiate Mawali (Spanish: converso) into the Ummah.
Political campaign – Jihad: A holy war aimed at defeating the Republicans.
Contiguous 48 States and Hawaii – Ummah: The nation of Obama believers. Although the interior is filled with Republicans (see Kafir), it is predicted that in the next decade the coastal jihad will progress according to plan.
Democrats – Mujahedeen: Obama campaign warriors under the flag of Obama for America. Carrying clipboards and pens, they are less feared for their ferociousness than their ability to irritate.
Republican – Kafir: An Obama non-believer. Typically believes in pagan notions such a property rights, freedom of speech, and openly celebrates heretic polytheistic notions of Allah.
Republican Party – Dhimmi: Those whose misplaced sense of pride rejects the authority of Obama and his ruling Mullah council. A high percentage of the dhimmi have jobs and/or own small businesses.
Political correctness – Taqiyya: The art of speaking without meaning, primarily to deceive, buy time, or hopelessly confuse. Taqiyya takes many forms, including long-winded harangues, non-answers, appeals to “everybody,” and an inconsistent, rigid, adherence to petty fatwas.
Political cartoon – Sorry, no word exists for this relic. To quote Ayatollah Khomeini, “There is no humor in Islam.”
Free Speech – Halal-speak: Acceptable language, according to the Mullah Council on Free Speech.
Hate Speech – Haram-speak: Any language – serious, satirical, facetious, joking, whatever – that insults Obama, the Obama Ummah, or the Mujahedeen (see again: Democrats).
Censorship – Cybersharia: A flexible system of rules, formal and informal, that dictate the acceptable boundaries of political debate (i.e. halal-speak). Speech that is deemed heretical (i.e. haram-speak) is ridiculed into oblivion, while the author is marginalized and character assassinated. Many suspect that the ultimate goal of cybersharia is to discourage original and inventive thought. The Mullahs, busy as they are with the implementation of Reichsversicherungsverordnung and Sharia-compliant finance, hope that haramspeak eventually just dies out.
Character assassination – Sharia stoning: An advancement in traditional political assassination, in which true but little known secrets of a person’s life were released in an effort to cow them into silence and retire from public life. Rather than work off some basis in fact, Sharia stoning merely intimates that people are racists, suggests they’re Islamophobes, and infers they rip wings off flies. Notes: 1) The previous attempts to brand them as “puppy killers” made subjects of Sharia stoning too popular among the Mullah council. 2) Sharia stoning is hoping to advance further still, eventually evolving into a pit in the middle of a field, an angry crowd of Mujahedeen, and a pile of medium sized rocks.
Humanitarian mission – Global Jihad: Conquering Gaddafi and Assad in the name of jihad. Conducting peace talks with the Taliban.
Humanitarian aid: Arming al Qaeda insurgents in the Arab Spring.
(Limited) Cruise Missile Strike – Suicide bombers: A military campaign aimed at advancing Jihad in Syria.
Libya/Syria – Cordoba: Once proud parts of the Ummah, these wayward lands had drifted away from Obama believing. They are to be reconquered. That is, unless Russia gets in the way… or something…
Welfare – Zakat: A multi-trillion dollar safety net for the Ummah and the Mujahedeen. Participation is mandatory, and subject to Sharia-compliance. Zakat, preaches the Emir, is the source of America’s strength. It preserves and expands the Ummah.
Upper tax brackets – Jizya tax: a tax levied on the members of the dhimmi, especially small business owners. Whoever pays the Jizya does not receive any benefits from Zakat, unless they know a Mullah who can issue a special fatwa for this purpose.
“Yes We Can” – Shahada: The statement of faith in Obama. Also known by its inverse: “If you can’t, you’re a Kafir.”
Progress – Stealth Jihad: Notions of progress, in the past, always involved petty arguments about what constituted real progress. Was it economic prosperity? Was it extending civil rights? Was it American influence abroad? The good news is that we can end that silly debate. In the words of the Emir, praise be upon him, “let me be clear” – progress now has a measure: how compliant are you with Sharia? To make sure you get the point, the stealth jihad has changed many laws, and it working hard to change more. Before you know it, you’ll be living halal and won’t even remember how it happened.
Forward! – Arab Spring: On the path of Global Jihad, there is only way forward. The fewer secular dictators the better; the fewer Christians and Jews, churches and temples, the better. Contrary to the belief that Forward! had some abstract meaning, it is adopted from the battle cry of the Free Syrian Army.
Department of Homeland Security – Taliban: The “students” of the Mullahsführer are known for their fanaticism and their daily boredom with life. In theory, they exist to protect American travelers, but they are known more for harassing the handicapped and small girls. To date, not one report of a businessman’s face covered in acid has been unearthed, a source of pride for the students. In 2014, they are anticipating a transition to rock-based personal weaponry, to complement their MRAV armored fighting vehicles.
Secretary of Homeland Security – Mullahsführer: A hybrid term, the Secretary is the head enforcer of the Mullah council. Questions remain regarding why the Mullahsführer insists on groping travelers and photographing them nude. Men and women, it seems, are creeped out for different reasons. When asked, the Mullahsführer replied, “Look, I’m busy militarizing your town police department. Do you think I care what you have in your underwear? As long as you use your left hand to wipe, it’s all good with the Mullahsführer.” She then grunted and stormed off.
Attorney General – Ayatollah General: The Ayatollah General’s main duty is to justify the halal-speak of the Emir, after it is spoken by the Emir. Concurrent with this (nearly impossible) challenge, is to use cybersharia to quash the sound logic and acerbic wit of aspiring Dhimmi satirists, and threaten them with Sharia stoning. Ayatollah General’s other important duties include gun-running, voter fraud, and storming university ROTC offices.
President – Emir – the highest ranking Sheikh. His words themselves are halal-speak. None of his habits are haram. Embodying the very spirit of the Washington, the Prophet, he is beyond judgment by common man.