I Hate Hipsters
By: Madeline Deneen
Today, I encountered an interesting creature in this unbearably humid, sweat-inducing 88°F heat. My eyes had difficulty adjusting to the sundry materials, patterns and colors it was cloaked in. I shielded my eyes in avoidance of a seizure from the overstimulation. It was a living, breathing optical illusion. Absolutely every inch of this thing emitted color, from the blinding neon green flower crown tangled in the uncombed, unkempt locks, to the thick-rimmed glasses, violet lipstick, grandmother’s pearls, to the awkward, oversized, vomit-colored wool sweater (did I mention it’s 88 degrees?), along with sky blue basketball shorts that apparently didn’t have a sufficient elastic waste-band for they were secured at the hips by an orange leather belt, paired with what, other than pink Uggs? The creature’s rainbow fingernails were wrapped around a trendy, seasonal coffee drink and the other set of sparkly chrome nails were reaching for what…the paw of another creature?? Fascinating! The mate donned an uneven haircut that magically managed to embody elements of both “The Bieber” and a “jewfro.” It also sported Ray-Bans, a silk scarf, thick flannel (did I mention it’s 88 degrees??), teal skinny jeans held up by a studded belt free of the confines of belt loops…and Peter Pan’s booties, which were occupied balancing a hacky sack. Wait! There’s a pack of ‘em! Have I discovered a new species in the anything but exotic quad of my Midwestern Big Ten University? What do I call these unusual, heat resistant things and why the hell is nobody else gawking?!
Yes, I’m talking about Hipsters. Why you refrain from staring? Either you’ve grown immune to these skateboarding vegans over the past few years and have opted to ignore the ultimate millennial embarrassment or you’re afraid if you look them in the eyes you’ll turn into a typewriter or an ironic T-shirt. That’s right, us millennials aren’t fans either. Hipsters epitomize all the negative stereotypes associated with this generation, that most of us desperately want to shake. The hipster was the cornerstone of the disorganized, desultory Occupy Wall Street movement. I’m sorry, but those who majored in Sanskrit and “underwater basket weaving” would most likely not land a job regardless of the economic climate and have sealed their fate as a permanent resident of the 99%, which is fine, as long as those who have chosen that path accept the consequences, but clearly, some of them haven’t. Guess what? The 1% obviously, but even the top 5%, 10%, 20% probably possess one or several of the following traits: strong work ethic, innovative, entrepreneurial, motivated, useful, or smart. This generation has unfortunately been dubbed incredibly delusional, lazy and naïve, and I can see why. Instead of aspiring to become wealthy or successful and achieving the “American Dream,” some millennials, especially hipsters, have resorted to blaming the job creators for their mediocre or dismal socioeconomic circumstances out of jealousy rather than attempting to espouse their winning qualities, because that would require hard work and dedication. Most of us really don’t give a damn what anyone dresses like, it’s not our problem right? But when a cultural phenomenon weighs on the economy, they’ve made it our problem. Hipsters’ priorities have come into question because many of them made a stink about actually not being satisfied with their stations in life, yet continue to focus on the futile quest to express “individuality” as opposed to the quest to become an asset, a productive member of society. Again, if you want to be a poetry reading, sitar-playing barista the rest of your life, that’s fine! This is America! But don’t whine about bullshit concepts like “economic inequality” when there’s clearly an “input inequality.”
To hipsters: For the record, your “individuality” is a joke! The fact that there’s so many of you and you travel in packs renders you non-conforming conformists! You’re just as common as a prep, a jock, or any other label for that matter. Get over yourselves and contribute or embrace your lifestyle. The choice is yours.
To the hopeful millennials: Many of us will graduate with an overwhelming shitload of debt due to the unfair education bubble. Yes, it’s unfair, but that’s our current situation. And with the excessive tuition rates, it would be wise to select a field of study that directly translates into a career or at least something you are so aggressively passionate about, nothing will stand in your way of making it work. I wish you all the best and hope all of us escape the millennial cliché of moving back into our parents’ basement!