11 Ways “IRS Deleted It” is Better Than “Dog Ate My Homework”

By: Katrina Jorgensen

We all experience situations where a convenient excuse would make life easier. Too bad, we’re not all as lucky as Lois Lerner who got the perfectly-timed excuse for her congressional hearing: “The IRS deleted my emails.” Useful little way out of an uncomfortable situation. If only we could all use this excuse. In fact, I can think of a few situations where this one phrase would fix a lot of things. Read each item on this and repeat after me: “The IRS deleted all my email.”

 

For your average American, consider these scenarios:

1. Homework

homework cat

Whether you are still in school or have “take home” work at your job, we all have reasons to want to get out of homework. And your harddrive deleted by a major government institution is probably more effective than blaming it on a paper-munching pet.

2. Calling Your Mom

Call Mom

It really doesn’t matter how often you already do it but your mom most likely wants you to call or text her more often. What better reason to be unavailable than having every email you ever wrote deleted?

3. Tech Support

tech support

We’ve all experienced the hell that is tech support hold music. Or worse, the staff on the line who baby-talks you through how to restart your computer when you’ve already done it three times. Imagine how much more helpful they might be if you went straight to “my emails are deleted—now fix it.”

4. Emails from Your Boss

OfficeSpace

Tired of the 30th reminder email (after work hours!) to read that memo? Next time your boss reminds you about TPS Report cover sheets, or asks if you read his last email, you can just blame the IRS.

5. 90’s Internet Moments

Myspace

This excuse could also be useful if you’ve ever had one of those awkward moments where you realize you aren’t caught up with the latest online fad. Instead of trying to melt into your chair when someone asks incredulously, “Are you really still on MySpace?” or “Who still has a hotmail account?” Swiftly change the subject with how the IRS has forced you to become completely out of touch with the internet of 2014.

 

That IRS excuse seems pretty handy, doesn’t it? Imagine what it could have done for these scandal-prone politicians. It’s like a magical get-out-of-jail-free card! Who can compete with the power of the Internal Revenue Service?!

 

6. Pornography Convictions

Pedobear

In case you missed it, last week the former acting head of Cybersecurity at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Timothy DeFoggi, was convicted on child pornography charges. (Reassuring, isn’t it?) How lucky would it have been for him if the IRS helpfully deleted all his emails?

7. Fast & Furious

eric-holder-brainwashing2

Much like Lois Lerner, Eric Holder can’t seem to answer basic questions from congress. I bet he wishes he had a friend at the IRS who could make all his problems go away.

8. Drugs

cocaine

We all know that lots of politicians have been caught in drug scandals. A bunch (I’m looking at you, Rob Ford) even admitted it to the press. Some with less embarrassment than others, but I guess it would still be nice if the IRS deleted some of those requests for follow-up interviews. Ahem, no comment.

9. Watergate

Nixon

Imagine if Nixon could have blamed the IRS for Watergate! If, for some reason, you are unaware of why this would make Nixon smile–I suggest watching Drunk History’s retelling of the scandal.

10. Anthony Weiner

Weiner

Maybe Anthony Wiener and Carlos Danger could use an email clean up courtesy of their friendly neighborhood IRS Department. I bet a picture or two would win him some support.

 

But the best time to use this excuse:

 

 

11. The IRS

IRS

How great would  this be: You get the solemn letter from the IRS. “Sorry guys, I can’t help you with that audit. It appears you have deleted all my emails!”

 

So, why is it okay for the IRS to get away with this, but no one else?

 

those-rules-arent-real-mean-girls-gif

 

Oh, right, the rules don’t apply to the government.

About Katrina Jorgensen

Katrina Jorgensen is a devoted advocate for Millennial issues with deep concerns over the direction of America's foreign policy. She seeks to promote political education and empowerment for her generation. You can find her on Twitter @Veribatim. With her focus on Eurasia, Katrina acts as Senior Foreign Policy Advisor to the Young Republican National Federation, part of their International Committee. She is a writer and communication specialist in her day job. She regularly contributes to conservative blogs such as Red Alert and IJReview. She has worked as freelance journalist for think tanks, major media outlets and print newspapers. For 6 years, she ran her own web design and consulting company in Texas. Her true passion is non-profits. Katrina has worked for and advised multiple international NGOs. She volunteers her time and provides marketing advice to local charities and other not-for profit-organizations. Katrina also loves reading wonky foreign policy blogs, instgramming her cooking experiments, losing herself in a fiction novel, and exploring new places with her husband, Kai.