We all experience situations where a convenient excuse would make life easier. Too bad, we’re not all as lucky as Lois Lerner who got the perfectly-timed excuse for her congressional hearing: “The IRS deleted my emails.” Useful little way out of an uncomfortable situation. If only we could all use this excuse. In fact, I can think of a few situations where this one phrase would fix a lot of things. Read each item on this and repeat after me: “The IRS deleted all my email.”
For your average American, consider these scenarios:
Whether you are still in school or have “take home” work at your job, we all have reasons to want to get out of homework. And your harddrive deleted by a major government institution is probably more effective than blaming it on a paper-munching pet.
2. Calling Your Mom
It really doesn’t matter how often you already do it but your mom most likely wants you to call or text her more often. What better reason to be unavailable than having every email you ever wrote deleted?
3. Tech Support
We’ve all experienced the hell that is tech support hold music. Or worse, the staff on the line who baby-talks you through how to restart your computer when you’ve already done it three times. Imagine how much more helpful they might be if you went straight to “my emails are deleted—now fix it.”
4. Emails from Your Boss
Tired of the 30th reminder email (after work hours!) to read that memo? Next time your boss reminds you about TPS Report cover sheets, or asks if you read his last email, you can just blame the IRS.
5. 90’s Internet Moments
This excuse could also be useful if you’ve ever had one of those awkward moments where you realize you aren’t caught up with the latest online fad. Instead of trying to melt into your chair when someone asks incredulously, “Are you really still on MySpace?” or “Who still has a hotmail account?” Swiftly change the subject with how the IRS has forced you to become completely out of touch with the internet of 2014.
That IRS excuse seems pretty handy, doesn’t it? Imagine what it could have done for these scandal-prone politicians. It’s like a magical get-out-of-jail-free card! Who can compete with the power of the Internal Revenue Service?!
6. Pornography Convictions
In case you missed it, last week the former acting head of Cybersecurity at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Timothy DeFoggi, was convicted on child pornography charges. (Reassuring, isn’t it?) How lucky would it have been for him if the IRS helpfully deleted all his emails?
7. Fast & Furious
Much like Lois Lerner, Eric Holder can’t seem to answer basic questions from congress. I bet he wishes he had a friend at the IRS who could make all his problems go away.
We all know that lots of politicians have been caught in drug scandals. A bunch (I’m looking at you, Rob Ford) even admitted it to the press. Some with less embarrassment than others, but I guess it would still be nice if the IRS deleted some of those requests for follow-up interviews. Ahem, no comment.
Imagine if Nixon could have blamed the IRS for Watergate! If, for some reason, you are unaware of why this would make Nixon smile–I suggest watching Drunk History’s retelling of the scandal.
10. Anthony Weiner
Maybe Anthony Wiener and Carlos Danger could use an email clean up courtesy of their friendly neighborhood IRS Department. I bet a picture or two would win him some support.
But the best time to use this excuse:
11. The IRS
How great would this be: You get the solemn letter from the IRS. “Sorry guys, I can’t help you with that audit. It appears you have deleted all my emails!”
So, why is it okay for the IRS to get away with this, but no one else?
Oh, right, the rules don’t apply to the government.